Kurt Cobain And The Art Of Self-Hatred

Kurt Cobain, November 1993, MTV Unplugged recording

Kurt Donald Cobain would be 47 years old now, but what we are reading about everywhere instead is the 20th anniversary of his death. He took his own life on the 5th of April, 1994, and changed music history forever, instantly becoming a legendary figure that entire generations would feel attracted to for years and years.

I am not going to tell you about his life, his drug abuse and his crazy relationship with Courtney Love. I am going to tell you how I lived Kurt Cobain and Nirvana as a teenager who grew up with older brothers who would listen to the band all the time.

When Nirvana achieved mainstream success, I was around 6 years old, and my older brother was a huge fan. He lived and breathed the grunge style that spread all over the World at the time: he had long hair, ripped jeans and a pretty troubled teenagehood himself.

Kurt's public persona became a style icon, his lyrics were being sung in all corners of the World, and his private life was public domain. He was everything he hated.

I was attracted to the music, it was catchy, and Kurt's vocals told a story. He wasn't a great singer, he probably didn't even care, but there was feeling in his voice. Being Italian, I had no idea what the songs were about until much later in life, when I found myself having long hair, ripped jeans, and listening to the very same music that my brother and sister would listen to when they were younger. Apart from the Spice Girls.

My friends and I would talk about him and read his quotes and analyse his songs online. I remember reading this very silly comment that said something like: "You can't understand Nirvana's songs unless you are high".

Nirvana appealed and still appeal to teenagers because Kurt was an outsider. He had an unhealthy relationship with himself and struggled to fit in. Now, let's be honest: how many of us can identify? I was a different kind of boy, but I wasn't really that different. I was made to feel different because I didn't like football, I was quiet around people I didn't know and I didn't particularly care about girls, although I did have a couple of girlfriends.

As I was growing up I started getting more into Kurt's story and lyrics, I read books about him and his band. I found out he was against the macho man stereotype, he was anything but a homophobe, he was all about being himself and generally a good role model, despite the shambles that his private life seemed to be.

Sometimes it felt good to just listen to him, feel his pain, and identify. It used to make me feel less lonely, but at the same time, I knew the way the story ended, and I didn't want to end up like that. Kurt was an MTV star, people had posters of him on their walls, and he hated all of that, he hated what he had become. I didn't want to hate myself, and finding myself close to it a few times was the wake-up call I needed. At the end of the day, I had a loving family, good friends and I was healthy. Was being "different" really that bad, after all? I had to come to terms with the fact that I was gay, not that I had some deadly disease.

I gradually started realising that I didn't need any role models in my life, because no one will ever know me better than I know myself, and feeding my sadness wasn't going to help matters. I had to be my own religion. My own God.

By the time I turned 18, I was perfectly happy with myself and I would still listen to Nirvana, but, mentally, I was in a different place and I was comfortable with who I was.

Kurt's story is many people's story. He spoke to millions of people and he probably wasn't very aware of the impact he had on them. Sadly, he didn't give himself the time to realise what an important figure he was and still is to his supporters.